The Audacity of it All

Recently, I have been reading the Beth Moore book, "Audacious". In one part it asks the question, "Do you see God as a giver or a taker?" The question almost immediately made me tear up as I thought about my fear of what God would take next. In thinking about it further, I realized that I have been living for some time in fear. I have seen so much loss in my life that sometimes it is easier to just go on autopilot and not think about things. In my own life, my father had a brain aneurysm when I was 3 and it tore my family apart. I grew up always feeling a need to protect and take care of him. As a teen, my mother fell deeply into alcoholism and I watched as it consumed her life and ended up spending a lot of time trying to protect and take care her as a young adult. We were so entangled together that when she died when I was 28, a piece of me died too. I was so thankful that I had accepted Christ 2 years earlier because I really don't know how I would have gotten through that otherwise. I have a very strong understanding of how He works in our lives through suffering. I have seen it in my own life and in the lives of those around me. Since my dad died last year, I have almost noticed myself going into autopilot. I haven't been spending time in prayer or taking time to read the Bible. I have been just doing life, but a part of me is in constant fear. Robert leaves with Elijah and I think, "well if something were to happen to them I guess that would make me have to rely on God." I worry that his use of suffering is going to take everything. As you can imagine, when I found out I was pregnant last year this added a whole new level to my worry. After seeing several people lose thier babies over the last few years, my mind had been constantly dwelling on when this would be lost too. After having Elijah, we prayed for 5 years for a little brother sister for him. We have looked into infertility and adoption, but the timing was never right. So, I was pretty surprised to find myself pregnant again. I've spent the whole time with baited breath wondering if today would be the day that God would take the baby. With all that said, the original question about God being a taker or a giver was quite well placed for me. In my mind, I know that God is the giver of life and every good gift comes from Him, but in my heart I don't feel that way. So my goal right now is to get to know him again. Jesus said that the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart. While I know that suffering is part of this adventure, it should not be my dwelling place. I have no question about the reality of God and the awesomeness of his power because I've seen and experienced too much to ever doubt or question him in that area. I know with certainty that Jesus was a real man who suffered and died for me and everyone. I know that all who believe and follow Him will be living in eternity with me. I know that he rose from the grave and defeated death and my head completely understands that there should be no fear in death. In fact, I have no fear of dying and am excited about eternity. What I need to work on is my fear of being left here when everyone else I love is there. So my prayer today is that God would open my eyes to who he is as the Giver of life and of every good gift. That he would awaken a renewed love in my heart for Him and all the people who don't know him. That I would feel His fire in my soul and passion in my heart. That I wouldn't continue to walk in fear because I know that is not from him. The fear of the Lord has to do with awe and reverence for him, not fear of what he will take away. Help me, Lord, to see you with fresh eyes. Help me to love you audaciously. 1 John 4:16-18 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:16-18 ESV http://bible.com/59/1jn.4.16-18.ESV