Good Enough

I woke up today from a dream that rocked me a little bit. I was at a work event of some kind where we were using these large rectangular tables to set up these model roller coasters. I think I was part of facilitating because I was making sure everything was put back together before the next group came in. My boss came in and started checking everything over. I walked to the sink to wash my hands and realized that the sink was all dirty with old food pieces. Just then my boss walked up and saw the mess. She asked me about it and I said a couple of things to excuse it then stopped and said, "I apologize for the mess." She looked at me and said, "I was wondering if you were going to get there." I must have given her a look because she then asked if I was angry at her. Then she went on to say something about how she was working to try to help people get through their anger and wondered if I would take a minute to talk to her in private. So I followed her across the hall to what seemed like a hotel suite. We walked in and her husband was in the main area, so she said we could go into this little room to talk privately. It was like a study with a high bar stool and a table then a lower chair. I sat down in the lower chair and she took the bar stool. She again asked if I was angry with her. I thought for a minute and said, " I'm not angry with you. I just feel like I'm never good enough." At that point my mind began racing through many other times in my life where I felt like I wasn't good enough, didn't fit in, or fell short... Being bullied at school for several years, being bullied at home by my step dad, not being made to stick with things, being pulled out of things when I did connect, and rarely being a part of something that felt connected. Most of my core memories are surrounding feelings of inadequacy, loss, being disconnected, or bullied. So my mind was going through all these things when I was sitting there and I was thinking, what do I need to do to prove to her that I am good enough. Then I woke up. I was thinking about all the same things as I awoke. Then I started thinking about how it had taken almost 7 years for me to feel like I fit in where I am now. Almost 7 years to find a church home, almost 7 years until I felt like I was really finding my people, almost 7 years... 7 years here in Pennsylvania, but a lifetime of feeling disconnected, awkward, socially unacceptable, and like I have to pretend to be this or that in order to be included. There have been times in my life that I felt were sweet spots of inclusion...a friend I had in elementary school, a couple friends I had in middle school, a time my sophomore year in high school, my time in theater in my 20's and a good friend I found there, then when I found my church home in Chandler with Robert, then a really good friend in Nebraska, a couple good friends in Oklahoma. Then...7 long years of small tastes of belonging every once in a while, but overall having a sense of complete isolation since being here. Isolation and inadequacy. The funny thing is that I have also felt far from God a lot off the time. I have had times of closeness, but I would say overall I have felt in the desert most of the time. Never have I waivered in believing, just probably in feeling like I was good enough. Which is really ironic since the whole point is that I'm not good enough. My mind was going through all these things as I lay there crying to myself so I didn't wake anyone. Then one by one I started thinking about all the people God has brought into my life this year. How I'm getting connected with my church and the people there, how I have a couple really great friends, an awesome husband and family. Then it was like God spoke directly to me and said, "I included you." Bring on the water works. When I was bullied and left out as a child, God already had chosen me to be his. When I felt disconnected and not good enough as a young teen, God included me before I even knew he did. When I failed at my marriage as a young adult and lost family because of that, I still had a family in Christ that I was completely unaware of. When I made so many mistakes and felt like I was dirty and unredeemable, God came to me and showed me how much he loved me. He gave me a Husband who loved Him, a church family that showed me how He loved, and changed my heart from broken to redeemed. Along the way though, there has still been this voice whispering to me that I'm still not enough. That I'm still not acceptable and included. That has been magnified because I believed it. I lived there. I knew in my mind that God loved me and believed that he died for me and choose me, but it never clicked that I am good enough because Christ made me that way. No, I'm not good enough because of anything that I am, every did, or will do. I'm good enough through Christ. When I fall, as I will always do, Christ lifts me up. He turns my failures into His glory as long as I continue to walk with him and follow his ways. So, I'm praying that I can walk in truth... The truth that I don't have to be good enough because God is good all the time. The truth that I don't have to be accepted because his sacrifice was completely acceptable for me and all who repent and believe. The truth that I am included not because of anything that I have done, but because the God of the universe, Jehovah, Elohim, the great I Am, choose me to be included. This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him. So I can sit down and quit striving to be acceptable. I am redeemed, chosen, and loved. My hope is that if you feel that way today, you can trust and believe that Jesus died for you too. That He chose you too. Whatever you have done, however you have failed, no matter who has rejected you... There is one who loves you so much that he died for you. He will never leave you or abandon you. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through him.