Good Enough

I woke up today from a dream that rocked me a little bit. I was at a work event of some kind where we were using these large rectangular tables to set up these model roller coasters. I think I was part of facilitating because I was making sure everything was put back together before the next group came in. My boss came in and started checking everything over. I walked to the sink to wash my hands and realized that the sink was all dirty with old food pieces. Just then my boss walked up and saw the mess. She asked me about it and I said a couple of things to excuse it then stopped and said, "I apologize for the mess." She looked at me and said, "I was wondering if you were going to get there." I must have given her a look because she then asked if I was angry at her. Then she went on to say something about how she was working to try to help people get through their anger and wondered if I would take a minute to talk to her in private. So I followed her across the hall to what seemed like a hotel suite. We walked in and her husband was in the main area, so she said we could go into this little room to talk privately. It was like a study with a high bar stool and a table then a lower chair. I sat down in the lower chair and she took the bar stool. She again asked if I was angry with her. I thought for a minute and said, " I'm not angry with you. I just feel like I'm never good enough." At that point my mind began racing through many other times in my life where I felt like I wasn't good enough, didn't fit in, or fell short... Being bullied at school for several years, being bullied at home by my step dad, not being made to stick with things, being pulled out of things when I did connect, and rarely being a part of something that felt connected. Most of my core memories are surrounding feelings of inadequacy, loss, being disconnected, or bullied. So my mind was going through all these things when I was sitting there and I was thinking, what do I need to do to prove to her that I am good enough. Then I woke up. I was thinking about all the same things as I awoke. Then I started thinking about how it had taken almost 7 years for me to feel like I fit in where I am now. Almost 7 years to find a church home, almost 7 years until I felt like I was really finding my people, almost 7 years... 7 years here in Pennsylvania, but a lifetime of feeling disconnected, awkward, socially unacceptable, and like I have to pretend to be this or that in order to be included. There have been times in my life that I felt were sweet spots of inclusion...a friend I had in elementary school, a couple friends I had in middle school, a time my sophomore year in high school, my time in theater in my 20's and a good friend I found there, then when I found my church home in Chandler with Robert, then a really good friend in Nebraska, a couple good friends in Oklahoma. Then...7 long years of small tastes of belonging every once in a while, but overall having a sense of complete isolation since being here. Isolation and inadequacy. The funny thing is that I have also felt far from God a lot off the time. I have had times of closeness, but I would say overall I have felt in the desert most of the time. Never have I waivered in believing, just probably in feeling like I was good enough. Which is really ironic since the whole point is that I'm not good enough. My mind was going through all these things as I lay there crying to myself so I didn't wake anyone. Then one by one I started thinking about all the people God has brought into my life this year. How I'm getting connected with my church and the people there, how I have a couple really great friends, an awesome husband and family. Then it was like God spoke directly to me and said, "I included you." Bring on the water works. When I was bullied and left out as a child, God already had chosen me to be his. When I felt disconnected and not good enough as a young teen, God included me before I even knew he did. When I failed at my marriage as a young adult and lost family because of that, I still had a family in Christ that I was completely unaware of. When I made so many mistakes and felt like I was dirty and unredeemable, God came to me and showed me how much he loved me. He gave me a Husband who loved Him, a church family that showed me how He loved, and changed my heart from broken to redeemed. Along the way though, there has still been this voice whispering to me that I'm still not enough. That I'm still not acceptable and included. That has been magnified because I believed it. I lived there. I knew in my mind that God loved me and believed that he died for me and choose me, but it never clicked that I am good enough because Christ made me that way. No, I'm not good enough because of anything that I am, every did, or will do. I'm good enough through Christ. When I fall, as I will always do, Christ lifts me up. He turns my failures into His glory as long as I continue to walk with him and follow his ways. So, I'm praying that I can walk in truth... The truth that I don't have to be good enough because God is good all the time. The truth that I don't have to be accepted because his sacrifice was completely acceptable for me and all who repent and believe. The truth that I am included not because of anything that I have done, but because the God of the universe, Jehovah, Elohim, the great I Am, choose me to be included. This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Him. So I can sit down and quit striving to be acceptable. I am redeemed, chosen, and loved. My hope is that if you feel that way today, you can trust and believe that Jesus died for you too. That He chose you too. Whatever you have done, however you have failed, no matter who has rejected you... There is one who loves you so much that he died for you. He will never leave you or abandon you. Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through him.

Give me a hand!

A long time ago, in a land far away, a very evil queen lived to torture her people. She would travel far and wide to gather "new subjects". After she paid peddlers and countrymen for the people who would serve her, she would take their hand as a reminder to them of who they belonged to. Her subjects were scared and had to work hard. All of them lived feeling less than and disgraced because of their disability. People on the streets would mock them as they went on errands for their master, but they still had to complete their tasks or they would be beaten. They lived like this for many years and longed for a time when they would be free. Some of the town's folk started feeling sorry for the subjects and wished they knew a way to free them from their servitude, but they didn't know how to fool the queen and were fearful of her too because she had a great deal of power in the community. The subjects were angry in their hearts and secretly despised the queen and envied her two hands. They did not like the town's folk very much either because they also had two hands and this reminded them that they were always under the control of the queen. Many more years passed until one of the town's folk could take it no longer and devised a secret plan to try to save the subjects. He knew it was a long shot and would take a long time to convince the other town's folk and be secretive enough to have the plan work. He organized secret meetings with others who he knew hated the treatment of the subjects too. They had to be extra careful because the queen had eyes everywhere and would readily kill anyone who would try to oppose her. It took several years and many failed attempts, but finally a plan was devised. They had dug a tunnel under the great mountain that lead to a free land. The free land was full of people who opposed the queen and had a powerful King who was not afraid of her. When he heard of the town's men building the tunnel, he agreed to allow the subjects to come and build a new life in his kingdom. Over time, the town's folk were able to sneak out several subjects, but this left the queen very angry. She raged at the loss of each one. She would then have the remaining beaten as punishment for the crimes of the others. After several losses, the queen made the decision that she was not going to be mocked. She knew that if she allowed this to continue, her subjects would stop fearing her and try to leave too. She began to derive a plan to take down the king. Many days later, after much preparation and training, the queen gave the marching orders to her subjects with threats of the death and torture of their children if they failed. They were to go to battle against the king in the quiet hours of the night. After the final lights of the castle were extinguished and the guards were on the final watch and heavy eyed, the subjects were to storm the main gate. The queen led the charge, using her secret magic to destroy the gate and allow her subjects to enter unhindered. Unbeknownst to the queen though, there had been a secret informer in her midst. The king was prepared for her attack and had quietly evacuated all of his residents. They had all gone and hid in the tunnels of the mountain and waited for her army to pass. Then they raced to the Queens Castle to free the elders and children who has been left behind. Meanwhile, the king had set a trap for the evil queen. As she barged into the main hall, a large cage dropped down, trapping her inside. The subjects, seeing that their captor was herself trapped gave loud cheers at the realization that they were free at last from her tyranny. Knowing that the king had powers beyond hers and realizing her demise was inevitable if she remained, the queen did a disappearing spell and went into hiding. The king then allowed the subjects to integrate into his society and made accommodations for them due to their only having one hand. The invisible queen was so angry about this, that she worked tirelessly to come up with a secret plan. It would take several years to unfold completely, but if she was very patient, she would have her way again. Her goal was to turn people away from them. She would whisper to the town's folk regularly to put ideas in their heads about the special treatment they received, their inability to actually do the same things because of their lack of a hand, and all the resources that were being taken way from the people who were part of the kingdom originally. Some of the town's folk listened to these things and became very angry. They didn't like subjects and called them "Handy's" to remind them of their past. The queen then encouraged some of them to pretend to like the Handy's. As generations passed, they encouraged them to tie one hand behind their back as a reminder of all they had been through years ago. They reminded them so often that even as years dwindled away and all who lived during that time had died, they still felt oppressed. Now there were still town's folk who were vocal about their dislike for the Handy's and openly discussed all they had ruined in the kingdom. The secretive town's folk decided to enrage them even more be deciding to tie their own right hand behind their backs and telling other townsfolk that they should do likewise as a show of solidarity with the Handy's. This dubbed them the name Lefty's. Many followed suit and believed they were actually helping the Handy's to get over their pain. The openly angry town's folk fired back with even more angry words and wanted to kick them out of the Kings land. There was another group who refused to tie their hands. They loved the subjects and wanted to help them, but didn't think tying there own hand was the answer. They thought it was a silly idea. They thought the Handy's should just untie their hand and do like all the other town's folk. They actually thought the Handy's should refuse to answer to that name. They openly rejected the whispering of the queen and wanted the subjects to just call themselves town's folk. Many did decide to do that, but some of the Handy's thought that meant they were discounting all they had been through and turning their back on their history. Over time, this group started being called Righty's, first because they believed they were right in their claim and second because they could still use their right hand freely. The subjects who untied their hands also became Righty's because you couldn't tell them apart from the original town's folk. Unfortunately, this meant that it was easy to also mistake the town's folk who openly hated the subjects because they also had the use of both hands. The secret leaders of the Lefty's used these things to their full advantage. They spread rumors about what the Righty's really thought of the Handy's. They came up with all kinds of evil reasons why the Righty's didn't want to tie their hands. They even went so far as to say that any town's folk who refuse to tie their own hand was openly against them and obviously hated them just as much as the group who was open about their dislike. They talked often about how the Righty's talk a good talk, but don't actually believe what they say. They twisted their words to the Handy's so that most truly believed that the Righty's were all the same and wanted to keep them in bondage. The rights who used to be Handy's tried to tell them to untie their hands and try life like that, but they only saw a Righty who they believed hated them. Over many years, this became worse and worse until the Righty's were unable to petition the Handy's to believe their claims anymore. They had been mocked into silence. Meanwhile, the Lefty's either believed they were doing good by living in bondage or were doing the queens bidding; and the Handy's were angry and stuck. The invisible queen smiled with delight when this turn of events finally took place. Her plan had finally come to fruition. Not only did her original subjects live in despair and bondage, but so did everyone else.

To my family...

So, it has been years... probably about 13 now. Years of what you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I've been praying for you. I'm probably not the only one either, but I have been doing it quite regularly. I can tell you something too... If you are in my family and you don't see God at work all around you, you are blind. That's ok though. The Bible says, "He (Satan) has blinded their eyes and hardened their heart, lest they see with their eyes,and understand with their heart, and turn,and I would heal them.” (John 12-40) It's true too! For 13 years, I have prayed for all of you! At that time, addiction, hard heartedness, false belief, etc were crazy in our family. There was so much pain and hurt. First, he healed me in small ways and called me to him. Then he started working on my brother. Neither of us wanted anything to do with him, but God is amazing and knows our hearts so much that he knew what we needed to hear. We, who wanted nothing to do with the church or it's crazy followers growing up and into our adult years, both became followers of the Way within 2 years of each other without either of us trying to convert the other. God knew our hearts and drew us to him separately. We have an aunt (or Mom, sister, etc) who has been brought out of addiction and sin. She had turned away from God, but he loved her so much that he called her back. I have a sister who has been brought out of false belief, and a nephew who is currently being drawn in. There is no other way to explain it, except that he knows our hearts and leads us to him by way of our story. So, this is a warning to you who "know" that Jesus is just a great example, or a prophet, or a myth, etc. I've been praying for you and he's coming. When he comes, it's like a veil is removed from your eyes. It might be a slow transition or all at once, but I believe that he is redeeming us. Our fathers believed wrong, taught wrong, loved wrong! Our Heavenly Father is not him. He loves us completely and wholly. He created us for his delight. Do not say, christians didn't know how to love, so I don't believe in Christ. As Paul said in Romans 3-23,"For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. 24 Yet God, in his grace, freely makes us right in his sight. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins. 25 For God presented Jesus as the sacrifice for sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrificed his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times past, 26 for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and he makes sinners right in his sight when they believe in Jesus." Thank God for his glorious standard, but also for knowing that we in our humanness could not maintain his standard. Thank God that he took our place! Thank God that he loves us that much! Do you feel the tug? Do you feel the call? If not, I'll keep praying for you! It doesn't make me better. It doesn't make me perfect, in fact I have a long way to go. It does make me redeemed though and that is all I need. It is a free gift, but I'll be honest with you... It is the hardest thing that has ever happened to me. He has asked me to do things and go places I never would have imagined doing. It doesn't all of a sudden make everything perfect. In fact, Jesus even said this to his disciples at one point, " I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16-33) So, if you are broken, stuck in addiction, stumbling over choices you have made, etc, take heart. You are still loved... Beyond your capacity even to understand. I love you all and Lord, I ask that you redeem and call everyone to you who reads this. Not because I wrote it and not to glorify myself, but for you and your glory! Amen.

Treasured

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching this Veggie Tales with Eli called "Snoodlerella". Towards the end of it, the character Snoodlerella is feeling plain and not very beautiful because all of her beautification disappeared at midnight. The king came up behind her and said the following: "Would you like to, my child, hear what I think instead...I think you are beautiful. I treasure you deeply. Your lovely my child. I think you are beautiful...your hair and your braces, your glasses, and clothes, and cumbersome graces, and many more traits which I could speak of. There is nothing about you I don't truly love. Your kind, your honest, your funny, your smart...your really quite charming, you have a good heart." "Your majesty, she asked, "I'd like to believe you, is that really true?" "Of course it's true, every word that I say. Daughter I am the King and I made you that way. I delight in your beauty, you're wonderfully made. I knew you before the foundation was laid. Your precious to me, every hair on your head. Daughter, hear and believe"...the Snoodle King said.

Beauty for ashes...

Feminism and our decline... So, I'm a little angry today hearing that in the name of equality, women are now going to have to register for selective service. But alas we brought it on ourselves. As women, we no longer want to be viewed as special, different, valuable, unique, etc. We'd rather stomp and say, "I can do it myself, thank you very much!" I'm sorry, but I like the door held open. I like the check picked up. I like being able to hide behind some mystery and having it be expected that I am worth the wait. I like being special and different. Feminism has taken away the value of being feminine. I have been told before that I am a feminist and I just don't know it. I can boldly say that, "no, I love being female and I love the perks that come along with that." I love being a mom and being able to watch my babies grow up and that they want to cuddle with me above anyone else. I love when my husband opens my car door and looks at me in that special way that I know he thinks I'm beautiful. I love dancing with him and having him lead. I'm ok with following. The dance looks better that way. I love being strong as a woman and having it being different than what being strong as a man looks like. I'm not the same. I was made different. That's ok. Call me old fashioned. Call me backward... But I really think that we have traded our beauty for ashes. With that being said, that phrase always makes me think of these verses below and I'm glad today that Jesus died for me and that what is written above is not what I am looking forward to. Isaiah 61 1The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, for the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed. 2He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies. 3To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. 4They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago. They will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations. 5Foreigners will be your servants. They will feed your flocks and plow your fields and tend your vineyards. 6You will be called priests of the LORD, ministers of our God. You will feed on the treasures of the nations and boast in their riches. 7Instead of shame and dishonor, you will enjoy a double share of honor. You will possess a double portion of prosperity in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. 8“For I, the LORD, love justice. I hate robbery and wrongdoing. I will faithfully reward my people for their suffering and make an everlasting covenant with them. 9Their descendants will be recognized and honored among the nations. Everyone will realize that they are a people the LORD has blessed.” 10I am overwhelmed with joy in the LORD my God! For he has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness. I am like a bridegroom in his wedding suit or a bride with her jewels. 11The Sovereign LORD will show his justice to the nations of the world. Everyone will praise him! His righteousness will be like a garden in early spring, with plants springing up everywhere.

The Audacity of it All

Recently, I have been reading the Beth Moore book, "Audacious". In one part it asks the question, "Do you see God as a giver or a taker?" The question almost immediately made me tear up as I thought about my fear of what God would take next. In thinking about it further, I realized that I have been living for some time in fear. I have seen so much loss in my life that sometimes it is easier to just go on autopilot and not think about things. In my own life, my father had a brain aneurysm when I was 3 and it tore my family apart. I grew up always feeling a need to protect and take care of him. As a teen, my mother fell deeply into alcoholism and I watched as it consumed her life and ended up spending a lot of time trying to protect and take care her as a young adult. We were so entangled together that when she died when I was 28, a piece of me died too. I was so thankful that I had accepted Christ 2 years earlier because I really don't know how I would have gotten through that otherwise. I have a very strong understanding of how He works in our lives through suffering. I have seen it in my own life and in the lives of those around me. Since my dad died last year, I have almost noticed myself going into autopilot. I haven't been spending time in prayer or taking time to read the Bible. I have been just doing life, but a part of me is in constant fear. Robert leaves with Elijah and I think, "well if something were to happen to them I guess that would make me have to rely on God." I worry that his use of suffering is going to take everything. As you can imagine, when I found out I was pregnant last year this added a whole new level to my worry. After seeing several people lose thier babies over the last few years, my mind had been constantly dwelling on when this would be lost too. After having Elijah, we prayed for 5 years for a little brother sister for him. We have looked into infertility and adoption, but the timing was never right. So, I was pretty surprised to find myself pregnant again. I've spent the whole time with baited breath wondering if today would be the day that God would take the baby. With all that said, the original question about God being a taker or a giver was quite well placed for me. In my mind, I know that God is the giver of life and every good gift comes from Him, but in my heart I don't feel that way. So my goal right now is to get to know him again. Jesus said that the first and greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart. While I know that suffering is part of this adventure, it should not be my dwelling place. I have no question about the reality of God and the awesomeness of his power because I've seen and experienced too much to ever doubt or question him in that area. I know with certainty that Jesus was a real man who suffered and died for me and everyone. I know that all who believe and follow Him will be living in eternity with me. I know that he rose from the grave and defeated death and my head completely understands that there should be no fear in death. In fact, I have no fear of dying and am excited about eternity. What I need to work on is my fear of being left here when everyone else I love is there. So my prayer today is that God would open my eyes to who he is as the Giver of life and of every good gift. That he would awaken a renewed love in my heart for Him and all the people who don't know him. That I would feel His fire in my soul and passion in my heart. That I wouldn't continue to walk in fear because I know that is not from him. The fear of the Lord has to do with awe and reverence for him, not fear of what he will take away. Help me, Lord, to see you with fresh eyes. Help me to love you audaciously. 1 John 4:16-18 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:16-18 ESV http://bible.com/59/1jn.4.16-18.ESV

Depression

So, it's been a while since I posted in here, but for my own well being I have decided that I need to write more often. I'm depressed right now... Feeling the brunt of the death of my dad. Realizing that he was the one person who kept regular tabs on me and recognizing that I should have been a little more thankful for that while he was still here. I am officially an orphan now as my mom died about 10 years ago. I'm sad. I'm sad that my son will never know his grandpa and grandma. I'm sad that I can't call them and chat. I'm sad that I can't go have frozen yogurt and play Mrs. PacMan with my mom and talk about family gossip (even though gossip is not good). I'm sad that I can't hear my dad's dumb jokes again or debate some scripture reference. I'm trying to maneuver through all of this and see God's plan. I do even. I'm still sad. Maybe that is just where I need to be right now. So, I've taken the news feeds off of my Facebook page and stopped scrolling through it's pages. I just don't really want to know about another shooting today or another bombing somewhere or another terrorist attack or beheading. I have enough sadness right here in my own walls that I don't need anymore. I would find myself engulfed in these stories from around the world talking about ISIS and Israel or Oregon or whatever. It sucks. I hate that word, but it fits. So I really have to just turn myself to the one who made me and ask Him to give me peace. When I look at His word I feel comfort. The other day, I was reading Ecclesiastes 1 and came across this passage: 1 The words of the Teacher,[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem: 2 “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” 3 What do people gain from all their labors at which they toil under the sun? 4 Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. 5 The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises. 6 The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course. 7 All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again. 8 All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. 9 What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. 10 Is there anything of which one can say, “Look! This is something new”? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. 11 No one remembers the former generations, and even those yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow them. Wisdom Is Meaningless 12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I applied my mind to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under the heavens. What a heavy burden God has laid on mankind! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 15 What is crooked cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted. 16 I said to myself, “Look, I have increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge.” 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. 18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief. As I kept reading, I came across this in Ecclesiastes 3: 1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. 9 What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. 15 Whatever is has already been, and what will be has been before; and God will call the past to account. 16 And I saw something else under the sun: In the place of judgment—wickedness was there, in the place of justice—wickedness was there. 17 I said to myself, “God will bring into judgment both the righteous and the wicked, for there will be a time for every activity, a time to judge every deed.” What I realized is that now is not that time. I can only be concerned with my sphere of influence. I know the world is in a terrible place right now. Heck, I'm in a terrible place right now (emotionally). But I think I'm right where God wants me to be. A friend of mine wrote out these verses for me recently and it really spoke to my heart. I actually wrote a song a few years back with some of these verses and there is a popular Christian song with some of these words as well. God always knows what we need to hear. I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. 4 Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.[b] 5 Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. 6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened[c]— burnt offerings and sin offerings[d] you did not require. 7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.[e] 8 I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.” 9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly; I do not seal my lips, Lord, as you know. 10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart; I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help. I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness from the great assembly. 11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord; may your love and faithfulness always protect me. 12 For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me. 13 Be pleased to save me, Lord; come quickly, Lord, to help me.

Day One!

Our culture is one of self-indulgence. At church today, the pastor was talking about how culture lures you in to doing all kinds of things, but if you take them too far then that same culture chastises and belittles you. He used a couple of good examples about drinking. Culture says, "Come on toss a few back, come have some fun, live a little!" Then when you drink too much and do something stupid because of it, they lock you up, plaster your face all over the news, and take everything away that matters. They plaster bikini models, condom advertisements, and have porn available everywhere. They say, "come on...what's it gonna hurt, you gotta try it out!" Then when you go to far you are a pervert, loose, or (enter expletive here). So, when we follow what our culture wants us to do, we are constantly trying to balance what it is luring us into doing without overdoing it. God doesn't do that though. He has a long list of the things that we can do freely and then offers up a list of a few don'ts that will keep us free of these social pressures and pitfalls. God says, "don't have sex until you are married" because he designed us to be in relationships with others and to have hormonal attachments once we have sex that bond us to that person. When we are with several people, we are breaking that attachment over and over that was designed not to be broken. So, we have pain and heartbreak where we wouldn't necessarily have to have it. He says, "be grateful for what you have" because when we are always looking at what others have we live resentful and unsatisfied lives. When we remember that everything we have is a gift and are thankful, we are appreciative for where we are and what we have now. We are satisfied and are able to feel joy. Recently, God has been dealing with me on gluttony. I have struggled my whole life with food, but also with wanting more of a lot of different things. Robert and I started a fast today that is focused hard on gluttony. For the next 60 days, we are going to be on a juice fast. We will have fruit, vegetable, bean juice, and almond milk. Along with this, we are also doing a stuff fast. We are not going to be buying anything that is excessive. We can buy hair products, stuff for our fast, and stuff that is needed, but nothing over that. So, today is day one. I was nauseous, had a headache, and woke up with pink eye. I have been weak all day and wanted to give up more than once. At one point, I asked Robert if we could juice some lasagna! :) BUT I feel great that I have one day down. So this is the verse for today. Matthew 23:25 "How terrible it will be for you teachers of religious law and you Pharisees. Hypocrites! You are so careful to clean the outside of the cup and the dish, but inside you are filthy -- full of greed and self-indulgence! Lord, help me to be appreciative for where I am today. Help me to look to you for my fulfillment and satisfaction. Help me to see you in everything around me. Guide me to make godly decisions and to follow through with the commitments that I make. In Jesus name, Amen!